my old friends.
It’s hard for me to write this, because I know it’s all my fault. but i miss my high school friends. I’ve managed to stay connected with one of them, but the rest have drifted off…together. The hardest part is knowing why, and knowing that I let them. As different as we were in school, they always made an effort to include me, no matter how many times I pushed them away for a boy (which was too much). We are very different. They grew up with God, knowing they would always have a support system, learning their ways to look to Him and let that guide them. I grew up with pain, knowing only that the people that show they care for me will always leave me. So I unfortunately expected that from them. No matter how much they tried to help me, I rejected it. And I regret that now, because now I get to look through the wall posts and pictures of their tight-knit family that will literally never fade, and I know that if I tried hard enough, I could have been a part of it.
I could have tried harder to hold myself up. I put them through my depression and anxiety, along with making them deal with my self-injury, which none of them should have had to take on. Caroline and Jessie especially. They never gave up on me. And I never thanked them for it.
Lately I find myself missing them. Over the past few weeks, I’ve fallen back into cutting, come out of it, and found that there are ways to calm myself that are healthy. I lost myself in the Hunger Games, which showed me how to find a healthy escape. And now I find myself missing my friends a lot, and remembering that this is what they wanted me to do all along. They were ok with my problems. It was the unhealthy way I dealt with them that was unfair. I didn’t do the right things for our friendship, and I’m realizing that now. I miss them.